Understanding Sexual Libido
Sexual desire varies greatly between individuals, making it difficult to define a "normal" libido. What does it actually mean to have low or high libido? Are there any standards or norms, and who defines them—our partners or ourselves?
Libido, regardless of whether it is described as low, high, horizontal, or vertical, is normal and okay. Sexual and relationship satisfaction depends more on the quality of our intimate interactions rather than the quantity. However, there are times when libido can be problematic, which this article will explore.
What is Libido?
Libido refers to a person's sexual drive or desire for sexual activity. It is a complex concept encompassing both psychological and biological aspects of sexual motivation. My mentor, Doctor Czernikiewicz used to refer to it as the "appetite for sex/intimacy,". Originally coined by Sigmund Freud in psychoanalytic theory, the term "libido" initially focused on sexual desire but has since expanded to include broader expressions of love, pleasure, and self-preservation.
In everyday usage, libido is often used to describe an individual's overall sex drive. It is influenced by various factors: biological, psychological, social, cultural, relational, etc.
There is no standardised measure for libido, and what is considered "normal" can vary widely among individuals. Libido can fluctuate over time and is often described as being high or low relative to a person’s usual levels. It’s important to recognise that libido is a natural aspect of human sexuality, and variations in its intensity are normal and do not necessarily indicate a problem.
Changes in Libido
Rather than perpetuating stereotypes about having a "low" or "high" libido, it’s more accurate to discuss changes in libido—shifts in sexual desire that cause personal discomfort or concern.
This discomfort is personal, not related to a partner's feelings. People have unique sexual desires and appetites, and no two individuals will be perfectly aligned in this aspect. Differences in libido are natural and should not be adjusted by a therapist or anyone else. However, it can become problematic if someone experiences personal distress due to changes in their sexual desire.
It's worth noting that it's natural for sexual desire to decrease over time in a relationship. The first few months are often filled with excitement, driven by oxytocin, serotonin, and adrenaline, which elevate both emotional and sexual intimacy. As the relationship matures and routine sets in, we become more realistic about ourselves and our partners, and our libido might change. This doesn't necessarily mean we find our partner less attractive, but rather that our desire for intimacy may decrease.
There are various reasons for this change. Sex may start to feel like an effort or obligation rather than a source of joy and pleasure. There might be underlying issues in the relationship, such as imbalances in responsibilities, power dynamics, or external stressors like health, financial, or general life difficulties. Recognising and addressing these factors can be crucial in understanding and managing changes in libido.
Factors Affecting Libido
Several factors can contribute to changes in sex drive, including:
Hormonal Influences: High testosterone levels in both men and women can increase libido. Hormonal changes during puberty, ovulation, and other life stages also play a significant role. Hormonal imbalances, chronic illnesses, and certain medications can decrease sexual desire. Conditions like hypothyroidism, diabetes, and hormonal contraceptives are common culprits.
Mental Health: Low stress levels and good mental health can enhance sexual desire. Conversely, some individuals may use sexual activity as a stress reliever during high-stress periods.
Physical Health: Good physical fitness, a balanced diet, and regular exercise can boost libido by improving overall health and energy levels.
Relationship Factors: Positive and satisfying sexual experiences can increase sexual desire. Intimacy and connection with a partner also play crucial roles.
Psychological Factors: Stress, anxiety, depression, and past trauma can significantly reduce libido. Mental health issues often interfere with one's ability to feel sexual desire.
Social Factors: Relationship issues, lack of intimacy, and lifestyle stressors such as work and financial problems can also contribute to changes in libido.
The Role of Relationships in Libido
Relationships play a pivotal role in influencing sexual libido. A supportive, communicative, and satisfying relationship can boost sexual desire, while a strained or unfulfilling relationship can diminish it. The following aspects of a relationship are particularly impactful:
Communication: Open and honest communication about sexual needs and preferences can enhance sexual satisfaction and desire.
Emotional Intimacy: Emotional closeness and trust are fundamental for a healthy sexual relationship, fostering a safe environment for sexual expression.
Conflict Resolution: Effective handling of conflicts and disagreements can prevent relationship stress from negatively affecting libido.
Mutual Satisfaction: Ensuring that both partners are satisfied with their sexual relationship can maintain or enhance libido over time.
Impact of Changing Libido
Changes in libido, whether an increase or decrease, can have significant implications for individuals and their relationships. A sudden change in sexual desire can be distressing and may require attention to underlying causes. Here’s how fluctuations in libido can impact individuals and their relationships:
Self-Esteem and Confidence: Changes in libido can affect how individuals perceive themselves and their attractiveness, impacting self-esteem.
Relationship Dynamics: Disparities in sexual desire between partners can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and tension. Declining sex is often associated with a sense of rejection by the partner, particularly within European patriarchal culture where stereotypes around sex are prevalent. This is a topic I plan to explore in another article.
Quality of Life: Sexual satisfaction is linked to overall well-being, and significant changes in libido can affect quality of life and happiness.
When to Seek Professional Help
Consider consulting a sex and relationship therapist if:
Your level of sexual desire causes significant distress
There's a sudden, unexplained change in your libido
You think that your sexual desire is impacting your relationship negatively
You're experiencing sexual dysfunction along with changes in desire (painful sexual intercourse for example)
You have concerns about compulsive sexual behaviour
Remember, there's no "normal" level of sexual desire. Professional help is warranted when your libido causes distress or negatively impacts your life and relationships.
Conclusion
Understanding and navigating changes in libido can be complex and challenging. It's important to recognize that variations in sexual desire are a natural part of human sexuality and that seeking help is a positive step toward personal well-being and relationship satisfaction. If you or someone you know is experiencing distress related to libido or any other sexual health issues, professional support can make a significant difference.
At JKL Therapy Centre, we are dedicated to providing compassionate, expert guidance to help you understand and manage your sexual health and relationships. Our experienced therapists are here to listen, support, and work with you to find solutions tailored to your unique needs.
Don't hesitate to reach out to us at JKL Therapy Centre. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling life.
