Late Diagnosis of ASC and ADHD: The Hidden Impact on Relationships and Emotional Bonds
Feeling Like an Outsider: The Reality of Late Diagnosis
Imagine navigating life without a script—constantly feeling like you’re missing cues that everyone else intuitively understands. You may struggle with social interactions, blurt out thoughts impulsively, or feel overwhelmed by emotions in ways others don’t seem to. For many, these experiences aren’t just personality quirks; they’re signs of Autism Spectrum Condition (ASC) or/and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) [see AuDHD]. But what happens when these conditions go undiagnosed until adulthood? How does this impact relationships, intimacy, and emotional well-being?
As a psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist at JKL Therapy Centre, I specialise in helping individuals and couples navigate these challenges. I also provide trainings for therapists seeking to deepen their expertise in working with neurodivergent couples. Understanding the effects of late diagnosis is essential for fostering healthier, more fulfilling relationships. a! And, I prefer the term Autism Spectrum Condition (ASC) over Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as it frames autism as a natural variation rather than a disorder that needs fixing!
Why Do ASC and ADHD Go Undiagnosed?
Late diagnosis is more common than many realise, particularly for women and those with high cognitive abilities.
ASC and the “Female Camouflage” Effect: Autism has long been associated with males, leading many women to unconsciously mask their traits. This “camouflage” effect makes symptoms less obvious, delaying recognition and diagnosis. here is another article on this topic that I wrote, which you can find here.
ADHD Beyond Childhood: ADHD is often mistakenly viewed as a childhood condition, but symptoms persist into adulthood. The challenges may become more noticeable during major life transitions—starting a career, parenting, or entering serious relationships—prompting many to seek a diagnosis later in life.
For those who receive a late diagnosis, this revelation can feel like finding the missing piece of a lifelong puzzle. But with that clarity also comes a wave of emotions, from relief to grief.
How Late Diagnosis Affects Emotional Well-Being
A late diagnosis can trigger a profound emotional journey:
Relief: Understanding that lifelong struggles have a name can be incredibly validating.
Grief: Many mourn the years spent feeling “different” without knowing why.
Frustration: Some feel anger towards missed opportunities, misdiagnoses, or the lack of earlier support.
Anxiety & Depression: Years of feeling out of sync can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and mental health challenges.
These emotions inevitably impact intimate relationships, friendships, and family dynamics.
Relationship Challenges Before Diagnosis
Before receiving a diagnosis, many neurodivergent individuals face unseen barriers in relationships:
Romantic Relationships
Communication Misalignment: Partners may misinterpret literal thinking, difficulty with social cues, or impulsive speech as disinterest or insensitivity.
Emotional Regulation Struggles: Difficulty processing emotions can lead to heightened sensitivity or sudden emotional shutdowns.
Differences in Intimacy Needs: ASC and ADHD can influence emotional and physical intimacy, sometimes causing misunderstandings or mismatched expectations.
Developmental Differentiation: Late diagnosis often propels individuals toward a deeper sense of self-awareness, leading them to move away from people-pleasing tendencies and instead embrace authenticity. This shift can cause friction in established relationships where previous patterns of codependency or over-accommodation were the norm.
Family Dynamics
Perceived Irresponsibility: ADHD-related forgetfulness or difficulty with organization can cause tension within families.
Emotional Distance: Those with ASC may struggle with expressing affection in conventional ways, leaving loved ones feeling disconnected.
Friendships
Social Exhaustion & Burnout: Many neurodivergent individuals need more recovery time after social interactions.
Impulsivity & Boundaries: ADHD can lead to blurting out thoughts or difficulty gauging social boundaries, sometimes straining friendships.
Without understanding why these patterns exist, relationships can suffer from repeated misunderstandings and emotional strain.
How a Diagnosis Can Transform Relationships
The good news? A diagnosis is a turning point, not an endpoint. It brings self-awareness and an opportunity for growth.
Validation & Self-Compassion: Recognising neurodivergence as part of one’s identity, rather than a flaw, can foster self-acceptance.
Improved Communication [verbal as well non-verbal ;)]: Partners and family members can learn new ways to interact that honor neurodivergent needs.
Tailored Therapy & Support: Relationship psychotherapy, couples counselling, and psychosexual therapy can offer strategies to navigate intimacy in ways that work for both partners.
Differentiation and Personal Growth: Late-diagnosed individuals often develop a stronger sense of self, leading to a shift away from pleasing others and toward more balanced, mutually fulfilling relationships. This differentiation allows them to express needs more clearly and foster deeper emotional connections built on authenticity rather than masking.
Specialised Training for Therapists: For mental health professionals, developing skills to support neurodivergent relationships is crucial. I offer training programs for therapists wanting to deepen their expertise in this area.
Creating a More Inclusive Approach to Neurodiversity
Using affirming language—like ASC instead of ASD—aligns with the neurodivergence movement, which promotes acceptance over pathologization. Neurodivergence isn’t something to be “fixed” but rather understood and supported.
Next Steps: Support for Individuals, Couples, and Therapists
At JKL Therapy Centre, I offer specialised psychosexual and relationship psychotherapy for neurodivergent individuals and couples. Whether you’re seeking support for your own relationship or you’re a therapist looking to deepen your knowledge, I provide tailored therapy, training programs and clinical supervision to meet your needs.
📞 Book a Consultation: If you or your partner are navigating the challenges of late ADHD or ASC diagnosis, reach out today.
🎓 Therapist Training: Interested in learning how to work more effectively with neurodiverse couples? Explore our training programs.
🛠️ Clinical Supervision – If you're a therapist seeking guidance in working with neurodivergent clients, I offer clinical supervision to help deepen your skills and confidence.
Let’s shift the conversation from ‘fixing’ to embracing neurodiversity as a valuable part of human relationships.
