Attachment Styles and Relationship Dynamics: What’s Yours?

Do you ever wonder why some relationships flow effortlessly, while others seem to hit the same roadblocks over and over? Or why your partner might pull away just as you feel like getting closer? The answers might lie in your attachment style—a powerful yet often overlooked aspect of our emotional lives that can shape how we connect with others, especially in romantic relationships.

At JKL Therapy Centre, we know how attachment styles can deeply influence relationships, for better or worse. Let’s explore what they are, how they affect us, and what you can do to work with them, not against them.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory was developed by psychologist John Bowlby, who believed that the way we bond with our caregivers as children has a profound impact on how we relate to others as adults. Our early experiences with love, care, and security (or lack thereof) create “internal working models” that shape our expectations and behaviours in future relationships.

There are four main attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment
   If you’re securely attached, you probably find it easy to trust others, express your needs, and accept support in return. You’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence, and conflict in relationships feels manageable, not overwhelming. Essentially, you feel at ease with emotional closeness.

2. Anxious Attachment
   Do you often feel insecure in relationships? Maybe you crave closeness but worry your partner will leave you or that you’re not truly loved. You might need frequent reassurance and find yourself hyper-aware of any signs of withdrawal from your partner. If this sounds familiar, anxious attachment could be playing a role.

3. Avoidant Attachment
   On the other hand, if you tend to keep others at a distance, value your independence above all, or feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness, you might have an avoidant attachment style. Vulnerability and trust don’t come easily, and emotional intimacy can feel like a threat to your autonomy.

4. Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
   This style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies. You may long for closeness but simultaneously fear it, leading to unpredictable behaviour in relationships. If you’ve experienced trauma or inconsistent caregiving, this attachment style might resonate.

How Attachment Styles Shape Relationships

Attachment styles aren’t just psychological labels—they can actively shape the dynamic between you and your partner. Let’s take a moment to reflect:

• Have you noticed certain recurring patterns in your relationships?

• Do you often feel anxious when your partner is away, or do you find yourself pulling back when things get too close?

Our attachment styles tend to play out like scripts, repeating familiar patterns. For example:

• Secure attachment allows for open communication, trust, and the ability to navigate conflicts without the relationship feeling threatened. You and your partner can talk about your feelings without fear of being judged or abandoned.

• Anxious attachment might lead you to feel overly dependent on your partner for validation, and you may feel emotionally ‘on edge,’ constantly worried about the status of your relationship.

• Avoidant attachment may cause you to push your partner away when things start to get serious, creating emotional distance to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable.

What’s Your Attachment Style?

You might already recognise which of these sounds most like you, but if you’re unsure, you can take one of several attachment style quizzes online, such as Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Quiz or the Relationship Questionnaire (RQ) developed by Bartholomew and Horowitz. These tools offer insights into how you approach relationships and emotional intimacy.

Keep in mind that attachment styles aren’t set in stone. They can shift throughout life, especially with new relationships or through personal growth and therapy. Have you noticed a pattern where you were more secure in one relationship but more anxious or avoidant in another? This is common because attachment behaviours can be context-dependent and influenced by life experiences.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Absolutely! While attachment styles tend to persist from childhood into adulthood, they’re not a life sentence. Here’s the good news: with self-awareness, therapy, and positive relationship experiences, you can shift from insecure attachment to a more secure style. Imagine being able to:

• Feel more comfortable with emotional closeness and intimacy

• Communicate your needs clearly without fear or anxiety

• Trust your partner without constant worry

• Handle conflict without it spiralling into panic or withdrawal

Many of our clients at JKL Therapy Centre have experienced powerful shifts in how they relate to themselves and their partners through working with their attachment patterns. If you’ve noticed any of the following in your relationship, it might be time to reflect on your attachment style:

• Do you often feel anxious, insecure, or afraid your partner will leave?

• Do you struggle to express your emotions, preferring to keep your distance?

• Do you and your partner seem to have different emotional needs that lead to misunderstandings or tension?

If you’re finding yourself nodding along, exploring your attachment style could be a game-changer.

Practical Strategies for Working Through Attachment-Based Challenges

1. Secure Attachment: Fostering Trust and Openness
   If you or your partner have a secure attachment, maintaining open communication and consistency is key. Keep nurturing trust by being transparent about your feelings and offering support when needed. Security doesn’t mean complacency—relationships always require effort to grow.

2. Anxious Attachment: Cultivating Self-Soothe Skills
   For those with anxious attachment, self-reassurance is critical. Practice mindfulness techniques like deep breathing or journaling when you feel insecure, and remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to your partner’s immediate response. Learning to self-soothe can help break the cycle of seeking constant validation.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Embracing Vulnerability
   If avoidant tendencies are holding you back from deeper emotional connection, try to embrace small steps towards vulnerability. Share your feelings in moments that feel safe, and remember that intimacy doesn’t threaten your independence—it enhances emotional bonds. Trust-building is a gradual process, but it can lead to more fulfilling relationships.

4. Disorganised Attachment: Finding Balance
   If you identify with disorganised attachment, therapy can be especially helpful in working through the internal conflict between wanting closeness but fearing it. Couples therapy can also be a space to explore how these opposing feelings show up in your relationship and find ways to create safety and balance.

Ready to Explore Your Attachment Style?

Understanding your attachment style isn’t just a journey of self-discovery; it’s a pathway to creating healthier, more secure relationships. If you’re ready to dive deeper into these dynamics, we’re here to help.

At JKL Therapy Centre, we offer expert guidance in psychosexual and relationship therapy, helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of love, intimacy, and attachment. Whether you’re struggling with relationship challenges or just curious about how attachment influences your life, we’re here to support your growth.

Bibliography

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.

• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.

• Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244.

• Heller, D. P. (2019). The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships. Sounds True.

• Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician's Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. W. W. Norton & Company.