Part Two: Monotropism, Intimacy, and Neurodivergent Relationships
This article is a continuation of Part One on the intersections between monotropism and psychosexual functioning. If you haven’t read it yet, you can find it here: Read Part One.
Though still under-researched, emerging literature and anecdotal insights show that monotropism deeply influences how neurodivergent individuals approach connection, love, and desire. By exploring the nuances of monotropic cognition within the context of intimacy, we can create more inclusive models of relational wellbeing.
What Monotropism Means for Intimacy?
Monotropic individuals tend to invest emotional and cognitive resources intensely in areas of interest. In the context of relationships, this can translate to a deep focus on a partner, a shared interest, or an emotional dynamic. When emotionally safe and supported, this focus can bring about profound intimacy and connection. However, it can also lead to vulnerability, overwhelm, or difficulty managing relational ambiguity.
One key insight from Exploring Autistic Sexualities, Relationality, and Genders (Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, Day & Krazinski, 2023) is that monotropic attention can shape sexual and romantic experiences in varied ways. For example, some autistic individuals may focus so intensely on a non-sexual interest that sexuality receives little attention. Others may channel their monotropic focus into sexuality itself, resulting in highly detailed knowledge or strong preferences.
Therapeutically, helping autistic individuals understand how their monotropic attention functions can be empowering. It allows for intentional redirection toward relational goals or the cultivation of interoceptive and emotional awareness. This approach supports deeper connection rather than viewing relational challenges as deficits.
Everyday Intimacy Through a Monotropic Lens
Let’s explore some common ways that monotropism may shape intimacy and relationships:
Focused emotional investment: When a monotropic person cares about someone, that care can be all consuming. This isn’t clinginess, it’s a reflection of how their attention and emotions align. It can be incredibly affirming for partners who appreciate depth, consistency, and presence.
Challenges with ambiguity: Neurotypical dating often relies on subtle signals and ambiguity. For monotropic minds, this can feel exhausting. Clear communication and shared expectations help build trust.
Delayed or nonlinear sexual development: Some individuals may discover or engage with their sexuality later in life. This isn’t a delay—it’s a different timeline, often shaped by unique attention patterns or sensory needs.
Sensory-based intimacy: Physical connection may be deeply influenced by sensory preferences. Monotropic individuals might find profound joy or discomfort in specific textures, rhythms, or physical closeness, and these preferences may shift depending on context.
Difficulty shifting attention: Emotional regulation, especially during conflict, can be challenging when the mind is "locked in" to a particular perspective. Supportive partners can help by creating space and reducing pressure during these moments.
The Eight Dimensions of Monotropic Experience (Reminder)
Recent research has identified eight key psychological traits that contribute to monotropic cognition. These traits shape not just how people think, but also how they love, communicate, and seek comfort:
Managing social situations – Social unpredictability can feel overwhelming; familiar routines and smaller groups feel safer.
Rumination and anxiety – Intense focus can lead to looping thoughts, especially after conflict or emotional stress.
Struggle with decision making – Choosing between options can be cognitively taxing, especially when both outcomes carry emotional weight.
Anxiety-reducing effect of special interests – Deep engagement with interests provides regulation, making it easier to navigate intimate moments.
Need for routines – Predictable relationship dynamics build security and reduce the stress of unspoken expectations.
Special interests as core identity – Sharing or being supported in these interests strengthens relational bonds.
Losing track of external cues – Focused attention may lead to missing a partner’s signals or needs unintentionally.
Environmental impact – Sensory-friendly spaces significantly support intimacy, emotional regulation, and connection.
By understanding these dimensions, partners and clinicians can better support monotropic individuals in their relational lives. Rather than focusing on "fixing" perceived issues, we shift to cultivating safety, understanding, and shared language.
Ethical Kink and Sensory Intimacy
Some monotropic individuals find that structured spaces like ethical BDSM and kink provide the clarity, communication, and sensory experience that align with their cognitive style. These environments prioritize:
Explicit consent
Pre-negotiated scenarios and roles
Predictable boundaries and communication
Sensory exploration in a controlled setting
For example, impact play or temperature play can offer deep sensory focus and emotional catharsis. Instead of "switching off," participants often describe these experiences as a way to be fully present in their bodies and relationships. This immersive focus aligns with monotropic attentional flow, offering psychological and sensory regulation.
Additionally, kink spaces often subvert mainstream expectations around sexuality, power, and identity. This aligns with the monotropic preference for individualised, interest-driven expression, and can be affirming for autistic individuals exploring gender, asexuality, or non-monogamy.
Reflective Prompts for Neurodivergent Intimacy
How does clarity, consent, and structure affect my ability to feel safe in intimacy?
What sensory or relational experiences help me feel most grounded and connected?
Have I explored spaces or dynamics that challenge social norms in ways that feel affirming?
Final Thoughts
Monotropism isn’t just a cognitive trait—it’s a way of engaging with the world, relationships, and the self. In intimacy, it can bring profound depth, emotional intensity, and authenticity. With the right support and understanding, monotropic individuals can build relationships that honor their attention style and their identity.
As we continue expanding the conversation around neurodivergent psychosexuality, it’s crucial to include monotropism in the framework—not as a barrier, but as a beautifully focused path to connection.
Further Reading:
Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H., Day, A., & Krazinski, M. (2023). Exploring Autistic Sexualities, Relationality, and Genders. Routledge.
Murray, D. (2022). Monotropism: An idea about autism and attention. Available at Monotropism.org.
