Self-Esteem and Its Impact on Sexual and Intimate Difficulties in Relationships
Here is another informative article from psychosexual and CBT perspective. I hope you find it both useful and practical. This piece addresses your sexual and intimate fulfilment, emphasising that you deserve to feel happy and loved.
Warning: The information provided is substantial, so ensure you take care of yourself while reading.
In this article, I aim to explore self-esteem, what low self-esteem is, and how it can affect intimate relationships and sexuality. You will find information on how low self-esteem develops and why it is tied to the core belief of self. Finally, I will explain how low sexual self-esteem can impact your intimacy and sexual life.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves. It is based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves, which can sometimes be challenging to change. Self-esteem encompasses our overall sense of personal worth and self-value. Key aspects of self-esteem include:
Self-perception: This involves how we see ourselves, including our strengths, weaknesses, abilities, and limitations.
Influence on behaviour: Self-esteem affects whether we like and value ourselves, can make decisions and assert ourselves, recognise our strengths, and feel capable of trying new or difficult things.
Multifaceted nature: It is influenced by various factors such as genetics, personality, life experiences, age, health, thoughts, social circumstances, and comparisons with others.
Malleability: Self-esteem is not fixed and can change over time. It can be improved through various techniques and experiences.
Impact on mental health: While not a mental health problem itself, low self-esteem can be closely linked to mental health issues and can affect overall well-being.
Range: Self-esteem can range from low to healthy to overly high, with each level having different characteristics and impacts on an individual's life.
Developmental aspect: Self-esteem is shaped over time by our thoughts, relationships, and experiences, including those related to culture, religion, and societal status.
It is important to note that healthy self-esteem contributes to feelings of worth and security, positive relationships, and resilience in facing challenges. On the other hand, low self-esteem can lead to difficulties in decision-making, excessive dependence on others' approval, and increased vulnerability to mental health issues.
What is low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is a negative perception of one's own worth, abilities, and value. Look at the model below; I will guide you step by step, demonstrating how it can manifest in real-life situations.
Model of Low Self-Esteem: Beginnings
Here are some key ways low self-esteem can originate:
Early childhood experiences: Low self-esteem may stem from negative experiences in early childhood, such as bullying, neglect, or lack of support from parents or caregivers.
Lack of love and affection: Not receiving sufficient love, affection, and positive interactions during childhood can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth.
Negative family environment: Growing up in a household with constant criticism, high expectations, or lack of emotional support can contribute to low self-esteem.
School experiences: Poor academic performance, difficulty fitting in, or being bullied at school can significantly impact a child's self-esteem.
Comparison to others: Constantly comparing oneself unfavourably to peers or siblings, especially on social media, can erode self-esteem over time.
Traumatic events: Experiencing stressful life events such as divorce, moving homes, or the loss of a loved one can negatively affect self-esteem.
Chronic medical problems: Ongoing health issues can impact a person's sense of self-worth and confidence.
Societal pressures: Cultural expectations, body image ideals, and pressure to conform or excel can contribute to low self-esteem.
Negative self-talk: Developing a habit of critical inner dialogue and focusing on one's perceived flaws can reinforce and perpetuate low self-esteem.
Mental health conditions: Certain mental health disorders, such as depression or anxiety, can both contribute to and be exacerbated by low self-esteem.
Nature of Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are deep-seated, firmly held evaluations about ourselves and our worth as individuals. Examples include "I am worthless," "I am not good enough," or "I am unlovable." These negative core beliefs directly contribute to low self-esteem by forming the foundation of how we view ourselves. They create a generally negative overall opinion of oneself. Self-fulfilling prophecy: negative core beliefs can lead to biased expectations and negative self-evaluations, which in turn reinforce the original belief, creating a cycle of low self-esteem.
Maladaptive Protective Mechanisms
Rules and Assumptions
To cope with negative core beliefs, people often develop unhelpful rules and assumptions (e.g., "I must be perfect"). While these may temporarily protect self-esteem, they ultimately maintain the underlying negative beliefs. For example, a person who thinks they are “worthless” may develop rules such as “I must please others” or “I must not express my needs” and assumptions like “Only if I do things perfectly will people like me.”
Unhelpful Behaviour
These rules and assumptions guide behaviour and largely determine daily actions. This means that, depending on your rules and assumptions, you may try very hard to do everything perfectly, please people at all costs, and never assert your needs.
Dormant Low Self-Esteem
On the surface, you may feel fairly good about yourself if you manage to meet these rules and live up to the standards you have set. However, there are significant disadvantages to this approach. Firstly, you are putting yourself under immense pressure to maintain your self-esteem and avoid feeling bad about yourself. Secondly, adhering to these rules and assumptions keeps your negative core beliefs intact because you never challenge or test them. Thus, your low self-esteem remains dormant, waiting to be awakened by the slightest setback. Therefore, changing these negative core beliefs, unhelpful rules, assumptions, and behaviours is crucial for developing healthier self-esteem.
How Can Low Self-Esteem Manifest in Intimate Relationships and Sexuality?
In intimate relationships and sexual interactions, low self-esteem can manifest in several ways:
Sabotaging Relationships: People with low self-esteem may test or sabotage relationships that have potential or settle for relationships that match their negative beliefs about themselves.
Compromised Intimacy: Low self-esteem can lead individuals to hide their true feelings and avoid "making waves," which compromises real intimacy in relationships.
Jealousy: Those with low self-esteem may experience heightened jealousy towards their partner.
Communication Problems: As partners drift apart due to lack of intimacy, it becomes harder to discuss feelings openly, leading to communication breakdowns.
Negative Self-Image: Low self-esteem can cause individuals to feel unattractive and doubt their worthiness of love, potentially leading to body confidence issues.
Sexual Anxiety: Interestingly, a study found a positive relationship between low self-esteem and sexual anxiety in men, possibly due to societal factors and lack of sexual education.
Decreased Sexual Self-Efficacy and Sexual Self-Esteem: The same study found negative relationships between low self-esteem and these positive aspects of sexual self-concept in men.
Isolation and Loneliness: Feeling disconnected from a partner can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Depression: Prolonged low self-esteem and feelings of isolation in a relationship can potentially lead to depression.
Difficulty in Expressing Needs: People with low self-esteem may struggle to communicate their emotional and sexual needs effectively.
To address these issues, it is important to work on improving self-esteem individually, communicate openly with partners using "I" statements, and make efforts to increase physical affection and intimacy. It is also crucial to recognise that self-esteem issues can affect both disabled and non-disabled individuals and should be addressed regardless of physical ability.
What is Low Sexual Self-Esteem?
Low sexual self-esteem refers to a negative perception of one's sexual worth, abilities, and attractiveness.
Model of Low Sexual Self- Esteem.
Negative early intimate/sexual experiences (first sexual partner in life or first sexual/intimate experiences with current partner).
Negative Sexual Core Beliefs:
I am man-less
I am inadequate
I am sexually unattractive
I am not good enough as a sexual partner
I am unlovable in intimate relationships
I am sexually incompetent
My body is not desirable
I don't deserve sexual pleasure
Sex is dangerous or harmful
I am damaged goods because of past sexual experiences
I am powerless in sexual situations
I am not worthy of a fulfilling intimate life
Unhelpful Rules and Assumptions, Unhealthy Behaviour and Possibilities of Sexual Difficulties:
Assumption: "I must always perform perfectly during sex, or my partner will leave me [e.g. I always need to be ‘hard’]." (Based on the core belief "I am not good enough"). Unhealthy behaviour: Obsessing over sexual performance, experiencing severe anxiety during intimate moments, or avoiding sex altogether due to fear of failure. Sexual issues: erectile issues, ejaculation issues, orgasm issues, decreasing libido, etc.
Assumptions: "I should never initiate sex because I'll be rejected." (Stemming from "I am unlovable" or "I am unattractive"). Unhealthy behaviour: Rarely or never initiating sexual contact, leading to frustration and resentment, or misinterpreting a partner's lack of initiation as lack of desire.
Assumptions: "If I show vulnerability during intimate moments, my partner will think I'm weak." (Related to "I am not worthy" or "I am inadequate"). Unhealthy behaviour: Emotionally distancing oneself during sex, avoiding eye contact, or refusing to communicate needs and preferences.
Rule: "I must always please my partner sexually, even at the expense of my own comfort or desires." (Based on "My needs don't matter" or "I am only valuable if I'm serving others"). Unhealthy behaviour: Engaging in sexual acts that are uncomfortable or undesired, neglecting one's own pleasure, or faking enjoyment to satisfy a partner. Can affect sexual desire, sexual arousal, orgasm issues.
Assumption: "If I don't look perfect naked, I don't deserve sexual pleasure." (Stemming from "I am unattractive" or "I am not worthy of love"). Unhealthy behaviour: Avoiding intimacy when feeling insecure about body image, always keeping certain body parts covered during sex, or being unable to relax and enjoy sexual experiences.
Rule: "I should never express my true sexual desires because they're shameful." (Related to "I am bad" or "My needs are wrong"). Unhealthy behaviour: Suppressing sexual desires, leading to frustration or seeking outlet in unhealthy ways, or engaging in unwanted sexual activities to avoid expressing true preferences.
Assumptions: "If I can't read my partner's mind during sex, I'm a failure as a lover." (Based on "I am incompetent" or "I'm not good enough"). Unhealthy behaviour: Becoming anxious or upset when a partner doesn't respond as expected, avoiding communication about sexual preferences, or making assumptions about a partner's desires without asking.
Rule: "I must always be in the mood for sex when my partner is, or I'm a bad partner." (Stemming from "I am only valuable if I meet others' needs"). Unhealthy behaviour: Engaging in sex when not in the mood, leading to resentment or physical discomfort, or feeling guilty and inadequate for having a different libido than one's partner.
Assumption: "If I don't orgasm every time, there's something wrong with me." (Related to "I am broken" or "I am not normal"). Unhealthy behaviour: Faking orgasms to avoid perceived failure, becoming overly focused on orgasm at the expense of overall pleasure, or avoiding sex due to performance anxiety.
Rule: "I should never ask for what I want in bed because my needs don't matter." (Based on "I am not important" or "I don't deserve pleasure"). Unhealthy behaviour: Consistently prioritising a partner's pleasure while neglecting one's own, leading to sexual dissatisfaction and resentment, or developing a pattern of passive-aggressive behaviour in other areas of the relationship.
Practice
Here are some key ways couples can improve communication to avoid assumptions:
Using "I" statements: Instead of: "You never initiate sex." Try: "I feel more desired when you initiate intimacy sometimes."
Active listening and reflecting: Partner A: "I've been feeling less confident about my body lately." Partner B: "It sounds like you're struggling with body image. Can you tell me more about what's making you feel this way?"
Asking for clarification: "When you say you want to try something new in bed, what kind of experiences are you thinking about?"
Expressing needs directly: Instead of: Silently hoping partner will touch you in a certain way Try: "I really enjoy it when you caress my lower back. Could you do more of that?"
Checking interpretations: "I'm interpreting your hesitation as discomfort with this position. Is that accurate, or am I misreading your reaction?"
Discussing expectations: "I realise I've been assuming we'd have sex every weekend. Can we talk about our expectations for sexual frequency?"
Giving benefit of the doubt: Instead of: "You're not in the mood because you're not attracted to me anymore." Try: "I notice you haven't been in the mood lately. Is everything okay?"
Expressing appreciation: "I really loved how attentive you were during foreplay last night. It made me feel incredibly desired and connected to you."
Setting boundaries: "I'm not comfortable with that particular act, but I'd be open to exploring other ways we can please each other."
Discussing intimate needs: "I've noticed I orgasm more easily with extended foreplay. How would you feel about spending more time on that?"
Addressing conflicts: "I felt hurt when you compared our sex life to your ex's. Can we talk about how to discuss our sexual history more sensitively?"
Perception checks: "I'm sensing some anxiety from you about trying this new position. Are you feeling nervous, or am I misreading your signals?"
Remember, open and honest communication about sex and intimacy can feel vulnerable, but it's crucial for a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. Always approach these conversations with empathy, respect, and a willingness to understand your partner's perspective.
At JKL Therapy Centre, we specialise in addressing issues related to self-esteem, sexual and intimate difficulties, and relationship challenges. Our experienced therapists are dedicated to helping you build a stronger sense of self-worth and achieve healthier, more fulfilling relationships. If you are struggling with any of these issues, we encourage you to reach out to us. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward a happier, more confident you.
Bibliography:
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Fennell, M. J. V. (1997). Low self-esteem: A cognitive perspective. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 25(1), 1-26.
Leary, M. R. (1999). Making sense of self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 8(1), 32-35.
Sanchez, D. T., & Kiefer, A. K. (2007). Body concerns in and out of the bedroom: Implications for sexual pleasure and problems. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(6), 808-820.
Mark, K. P., & Herbenick, D. (2014). The impact of body image on sexual satisfaction and sexual self-esteem among college students. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 11(12), 2984-2992.
