Breaking the Illusion: Understanding and Overcoming the Fantasy Bond in Relationships
As a therapist specialising in individual and relationship psychotherapy, I’ve noticed a recurring pattern that can quietly influence how we connect with others. This pattern is known as the fantasy bond, a concept introduced by psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone. It describes a situation where we create an imagined sense of closeness in relationships, which can sometimes replace genuine emotional connection.
In this article, I’ll share insights from my professional experience and knowledge to explore the origins of the fantasy bond, how it can show up in different types of relationships, and why focusing on personal growth is key to fostering meaningful and fulfilling connections.
A fantasy bond is a fragile, superficial connection lacking genuine understanding. Unlike healthy relationships that show authenticity, it is idealised. True connections, like a tranquil dusk, remind us that strong relationships require commitment. Authentic bonds, like a calm lake reflecting sunset colors, help us navigate life. Valuing stillness in relationships enhances support and resilience, reinforcing the peace from commitment and empathy - JKulczyk-Lewinska
What Is a Fantasy Bond?
A fantasy bond is an unconscious way of creating a sense of security in a relationship. It often involves idealising the relationship or partner, focusing on what “could be” rather than fully engaging with the present reality of the connection. This imagined closeness can feel comforting but may sometimes prevent deeper emotional intimacy from developing.
For example:
Someone might think, “Once we move in together, things will feel more connected,” even though they are currently feeling distant from their partner.
Another person might focus on their partner’s potential for change or growth while overlooking their current behaviours or dynamics that feel unfulfilling.
It’s important to note that having hopes or aspirations for a relationship is natural and healthy. However, when those hopes overshadow the present connection or prevent us from addressing underlying challenges, it can create distance rather than closeness.
Where Does the Fantasy Bond Come From?
Through my work, I’ve seen how early experiences in childhood often shape how we approach relationships as adults. Our first connections—with parents or caregivers—teach us about love, safety, and trust. When those early relationships feel inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, we may develop ways to cope that carry forward into adulthood.
For instance:
A child who feels overlooked might imagine that their parent cares deeply but is simply too busy to show it.
Another child might hold onto the belief that “one day” their parent will change and provide the attention or affection they long for.
These early patterns can influence how we approach romantic relationships later in life. We may unconsciously seek partners who reflect aspects of those early experiences or create expectations that mirror our childhood coping mechanisms. For example, someone might focus on their partner’s potential for change rather than engaging with who they are right now.
Understanding these patterns isn’t about assigning blame but about recognising how our past experiences shape our present choices—and empowering ourselves to make more conscious decisions moving forward.
The Developmental Model: Insights from Bader and Pearson
Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson’s Developmental Model of Couples Therapy offers a helpful framework for understanding how relationships grow and evolve over time. According to their model, healthy partnerships require each person to balance their individuality with emotional connection—a process they call differentiation .
Differentiation means being able to maintain your own sense of self while staying connected to your partner. It allows both individuals to grow personally while also supporting one another’s growth within the relationship. When differentiation is missing, partners may rely on routines or roles instead of fostering meaningful communication and connection.
For example:
A couple might fall into predictable patterns (e.g., one always being the problem-solver) without addressing underlying needs or concerns.
One partner might avoid expressing their feelings or desires to maintain harmony in the relationship.
By embracing differentiation, relationships can create space for individuality while deepening their emotional bond—a key step in moving beyond surface-level connections like the fantasy bond.
How Fantasy Bonds Show Up in Relationships
Fantasy bonds can appear in many different forms, reflecting the unique dynamics and expectations within various types of relationships. Regardless of the relationship model, the underlying theme of these bonds is the substitution of genuine emotional connection with an idealised or illusory sense of closeness. Here’s how they manifest across different relationship types:
Romantic Relationships
In romantic relationships, individuals may stay committed, hoping that once they reach specific milestones—such as getting engaged, buying a house, or having children—everything will fall into place and their issues will magically resolve. This mindset often leads them to avoid addressing current concerns, such as unmet emotional needs, miscommunication, or dissatisfaction, under the assumption that “future changes” will solve the problems.
In some cases, one partner might begin to idealise the future of the relationship, expecting that a new chapter will bring them the connection they are missing in the present. This fantasy bond can prevent them from engaging in the vulnerable conversations that could foster real intimacy.
Casual Connections
In more casual dating or short-term relationships, fantasy bonds can emerge when one person imagines that a partner will eventually want something more serious, even if they haven’t had open discussions about their expectations or long-term desires. There is often an unconscious hope that with enough time or effort, the relationship will evolve into something deeper without the need for clear communication about intentions or boundaries.
This illusion can lead to a misalignment in expectations, with one person pursuing a deeper connection while the other remains focused on the casual nature of the interaction. The lack of clear dialogue prevents both parties from addressing the gap between fantasy and reality, which may lead to feelings of disappointment or emotional disconnect.
Polyamorous Relationships
In polyamorous dynamics, fantasy bonds can take on a unique form, particularly when individuals romanticise the concept of “unlimited love” or the idea that multiple relationships can somehow provide a solution to existing issues. A partner may idealise the notion that adding another person to the mix will resolve tensions or unmet emotional needs within the existing relationships. However, the reality of balancing multiple connections often reveals deeper emotional complexities that haven’t been adequately addressed.
For example, someone might believe that introducing a third partner will alleviate feelings of jealousy or neglect, but without open discussions around boundaries, time management, and emotional needs, these issues often intensify. The fantasy bond here arises when one partner envisions a solution through expansion, yet avoids confronting the underlying challenges that affect the relationship.
Additionally, a person may romanticise their ability to manage multiple relationships with ease, overlooking the emotional labour required for each connection. Without clear communication and mutual respect, this can lead to feelings of disconnection, neglect, or even resentment among partners. Polyamory, like any relationship structure, demands honesty and ongoing dialogue to ensure that all individuals’ needs are met and that the connection remains authentic rather than being driven by idealised notions of love.
Friendships and Platonic Relationships
Even in platonic friendships, fantasy bonds can occur when one individual clings to the idea of an idealised connection without recognising the limits of the friendship or the changing nature of people’s lives. For instance, someone may continue to rely on a friendship as a source of emotional support, despite it becoming one-sided or disconnected, believing that their friend will always be there without addressing the evolving needs of both parties.
In some cases, individuals may avoid confronting the reality that their friend’s life circumstances or emotional availability have changed, instead holding on to a version of the friendship that no longer exists. The fantasy bond, in this case, acts as a comforting illusion that the bond is stronger or more consistent than it is in reality.
Family Dynamics
Fantasy bonds can also be seen in family relationships, where an individual may idealise the family dynamic as being harmonious and stable, despite existing tension or unresolved conflict.
In some cases, family members may continue to play out roles or expectations that no longer align with their actual relationship dynamics, such as expecting a parent to be a constant source of emotional guidance, even when that parent may have emotional limitations or have failed to nurture a healthy relationship.
Unhealthy Relationship Cycles:
A relationship might repeatedly break up and get back together because they believe they’re “meant to be.” However, they may avoid addressing recurring issues that lead to these cycles.
These examples highlight how fantasy bonds can sometimes keep us from fully engaging with our relationships as they are now—whether by avoiding difficult conversations or holding onto expectations that may not align with reality.
Fantasies about our partners often provide an alluring escape into a future that feels brighter, yet these dreams remain unfulfilled, leaving us yearning for a reality that never materialises. Living in this idealised vision can distract us from the complexities of our actual relationships, hindering genuine connection and growth -JKulczyk-Lewinska
Why Personal Growth Matters
When we’re feeling unsure of ourselves—whether it’s due to low confidence, anxiety, or just a general sense of uncertainty—we often turn to others for reassurance. It’s completely natural to want comfort and validation when we’re struggling, but if we rely too heavily on others to feel good about ourselves, it can shift the balance in our relationships.
For instance, when we don’t feel secure in who we are, we might stay in a relationship that doesn’t fully meet our needs simply because we’re afraid of being alone. The fear of loneliness can make us settle, convincing ourselves that this is the best we can get, even if deep down we know it’s not fulfilling.
Or take someone who is feeling unsure about themselves—they might focus on all the good things about their partner, convincing themselves that the relationship will improve with time. They may ignore the parts that don’t feel right, convincing themselves that those issues will somehow sort themselves out. This happens when we’re afraid to face the truth or feel that we don’t deserve better.
When we’re looking for external validation in this way, it can prevent us from truly connecting with others, because we’re not showing up as our full, authentic selves. We’re too focused on avoiding discomfort rather than allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about what we need.
Steps Toward Authentic Connection
Breaking free from patterns like fantasy bonds involves both self-reflection and intentional action. Here are some steps I often encourage clients to explore:
1. Reflect on Past Patterns:
• Consider how your early experiences with caregivers may influence your current approach to relationships.
• Ask yourself whether you’re focusing more on your partner’s potential than their present behaviour.
2. Strengthen Your Sense of Self:
• Engage in activities that build confidence and self-worth outside your relationship.
• Cultivate hobbies, friendships, and interests that reinforce your individuality.
3. Embrace Open Communication:
• Share your feelings and needs with your partner honestly and respectfully.
• Create space for meaningful conversations about your relationship dynamics.
4. Support Differentiation:
• Encourage both yourself and your partner to pursue personal growth while maintaining emotional connection.
• Celebrate each other’s individuality as part of what strengthens your bond.
Therapeutic Support for Growth
In my practice, I’ve seen how therapy can provide valuable insights into relational dynamics like fantasy bonds. For couples—monogamous or polyamorous—therapy offers a space to explore communication patterns, address unmet needs, and strengthen emotional intimacy through mutual understanding.
For individuals seeking personal growth, therapy helps uncover past influences on current relationships while building resilience and self-awareness—key ingredients for creating fulfilling connections.
Conclusion
Relationships thrive when they’re built on authenticity rather than illusion—when all partners feel seen, valued, and supported as individuals within shared connections. By recognising patterns like fantasy bonds and committing to personal growth, we can create partnerships where individuality is celebrated and mutual development flourishes.
If you’re ready to explore your relational patterns or strengthen your inner self, therapy can offer guidance and support on this journey toward deeper connection and fulfilment.
Self-Reflection Checklist:
Am I focusing more on what my relationship could be in the future, rather than addressing the realities of our connection right now?
Do I rely on others for validation and self-worth, or do I maintain a strong sense of individuality?
Am I open and honest about my feelings and needs, or do I avoid difficult conversations to keep the peace?
Am I staying in this relationship out of fear of being alone, or am I genuinely connecting and growing with my partner?
These questions aim to encourage introspection on the authenticity and health of your relationships.
If you're interested in exploring your relationship patterns and personal growth further, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can work on uncovering any barriers to authentic connection and create a path towards deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Please feel free to contact me or book your first session today.
References
Firestone, R.W., The Fantasy Bond. Glendon Association.
Bader, E., & Pearson, P., In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy.
Bowlby, J., Attachment and Loss. Pimlico Press (1997).
PsychAlive (2016). The Fantasy Bond: A Substitute for a Loving Relationship.
